Log In Jester

Updated: Feb 7


Stephen Hornsby-Smith

S- Of course Noel Coward loved his fry-up ! Me thinks you likey?!!

R- I know you could go on but stop it !

S- The truth is a sinner.

R- What has truth got to do with truth anyway?

S- Truth is gold but alchemist's are no where !

R- Gold is derivative, the pain of discovering it negates its derivative state.

S- What? Rock, paper scissors now?

R- Even nature is derivative !

S-..........................................the Earth is a self-regulating planet !

R- Seasonal repetition is out, climate change in!!!

S- Climate change 'Wins'?

R- 'In' !

S- In what time frame can you justify pedantry ?

R- I know I'm bad press at the moment, but what if I could redeem myself by......

S-...........by..........

R- ....................by...

S- So repetition wins and hardship doesn't win !

R- Reversals are my specialism !

S- What ? Now you're into climate change ?

R- DO YOU WANT TO REVERSE CLIMATE CHANGE OR NO?

S- Hold your horses is all I'm saying ! Just take your time and before we know it it will all blow over !

R- Why the tears ?How can you have self-esteem issues ? Pull yourself together man !

S- That's my private life you're dishing ! I've met some very interesting low esteemers.....

R- Now there is a website for low self 'esteemers' ? OMG !

S- There you are,QED, on the money in....

R- And he wants me to finish all his sentences now ?

S- You know speaking to someone in the third person doesn't raise their morale,right ?.

R- But every ones doing it ! So now 'I'm' the hate figure ?

S- You are Mr self-incrimination !

R- Confirmation bias, baldylocks !

S- How to get ahead is another one of your bestsellers isn't it !

R- It's not who you know it's who you were that gets you noticed today !

S- Personal growth via pretending to be so much more today.com ?

S- I have never used a self-help group and yet you're lecturing me about 'trying to understand how things work' ?

S- Stop laughing ! Either you don't stop laughing or I'll stop your allowance !

R- Mr Employer of the year here !

S- And you will single-handedly freeze society-up with mutual narcissism whilst the rest of the globe dies of killer sun !

R- I work where I'm needed, and my work here is almost done !

S- Madam asset stripper here ! Anybody like a political agenda on toast here ? This could be your lucky day Sir..What ? no takers ? the court of public opinion has spoken?

R- No one spoke !

S- That means 'no one likes your...blurb !

R- But no one could mean 'no one'!?

S- What are you talking about ?! Deranged meets Las Vegas ?

R- Vegas ? "....NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE ! you may slip you may slide ....but no one gets out alive!

S- You're all Sammy !

R- Is that 'Same me' ?

S- Before we both degenerate into mutual or self-deconstruction, we need to right a wrong ! Don't dish-out when you're dealing with one of my favourite actors !

R- So now talking Hollywood ! Don't get me started on Hollywood !

S- Can we please make that a question ?

R- It was rhetorical ! Moving on..........

S- .....................................I am still reeling for your er...assessment of Bollywood !

R- Devastating yeah ?

S- Unforgivably ........er...

R-.....................................er....?

S- I never knew that someone in the public eye like your good self could be so..........

R- ........non- 'Mr white supremacist' .?

S- Well.....some may say that you were unaware of the consequences of ...er accidentally..no..er innocently accusing the wrong people and winding-up serving the very white supremacist's 'I told you so' !?!

R- I work with bad people . What's the problem ?

S- How far did you work with bad people ?

R- I've signed a non-disclosure form, so I er...can't really say?!

S- Randall ! They've got their hooks into fro the rest of your life and your families life ! It doesn'...

R..............................it does, it does!

S- It doesn't matter how nice they were, or how collegiate they were, they've got you on their red carpet for....ever..!! They can spill your blood on their carpet and it wouldn't be noticed

R- I er.....

S- Does this get worse? What have you done ? You didn't tell them about me did you?

R- We can handle the mafia !

S- No we fucking can't Randall !

R- Don't worry, I'll take care off it !

S- You even sound like them Randall ! What the ....fuck! Fuck !

R- No worry folly !

S- What does that even mean Ran ?

R- Ran will run this past her mother !

S- NOW SHE HAS ME!!! Are you a Cretan ? Are you out of your...

R- Had you there didn't I ?

S- What... have... you... had me on Randall, be specific !

R- It was mothers idea all the time !

S- Can you not see how....wrong this all is ?

R- You're now a man she can trust !

S- I don't want to be trusted...I...er..just want to..

R-.................................................................be not trusted ? 'Not trust mother' ain't a good way to negotiate !

S- I never wanted negotiations with the mafia ! I thought if I befriended you I could avoid all that ! What ? why are you looking at me as if ...you don't trust me ?

R- You...er..befriended me.... because ..you didn't want to know me or my family ?

S- I didn't mean it that way..it just.....slipped-out when I was freestyling !

R- At last ! Lady and Gentleman, we have a winner ! Mr Painter is no longer a boy scout but a bone fide man who has the balls to be terrified out of his wits at the merest hint of alarm !

S- What does this all mean ?

R- That we can put you in with the pit-bull!

S- Very nice, in fact lovely and a total surprise but,..er..

R- Oh Painter, don't thank us just be truthful to yourself and let nature take its course !

S- Bowel gravity is the 'nature taking its course right now !

R- Don't worry! After you break your first knuckles... I'm joking, just having a good time!! Why don't you join me, now we're all friends ! We can discuss your future?

S- You've ordered tea and crumpets?

S- You know how I take my tea and crumpets !

R- No doubt this is ....torment for you ?

S- It's on the rough side !

R- strewth ! Give me strength!

S- You're an Olympic power lifter...

R-.................................and a para Olympian too !

S- Can you be ?

R- Mother fixed it for me

S- She's enough to give anybody a disability !

R- That isn't funny, and no one told me how painful it would be !

S- Goodness Ran ? I'm so sorry ! I had no idea ?!I was trying to...

R-..................do something light and humorous ?

R-....................

R- It was temporary !

S- So your mother....

R- I lost my leg...but grew it back like 'deadpool' !

S- Can..science do that?

R- Painter, my mother is science !

S- Some sort of...3D printer ?

R- How prosaic of you ! No, she borrowed someone else's

S- I hope she gave it back to the original owner.....eventually ?

R- She did, but first we had to generate some stem my thingermies...

S- From the host patient ?

R- mum was busy that week so we had to improvise !

S- Lucky for her, unlucky for him !

R- Not to lose too much sympathy, because she gave him a promotion ! He's fully 're-formed' and is head of ICI...and some Estonian race track !? I forget!

S- I don't think he's forgotten ! Did your mother ...er..coerce him...his leg etc ?

R- Absolutely ! But I understand he later doubled-up by donating his other leg,temporarily, to Madonna !

S- Wow ! Organ harvesting, single and return ticket to... money?

R- Not at all !

S- He didn't even get any dispensation?

R- He met his future wife whilst in Hospital !

S- One of the surgeons?

R- No, one of recipients in the same ward

S- Romancing the bone ?!!!

R- Grim reaper more like !

S- But where there's muck there's farce !

R- It's not as glamorous as you may think !

S- Just pulling...

R- .........out of a tail spin !

S- Any way, where were we ! Oh yes, " Give me strength!".Your mother runs all trade routes, political and economic, cultural, has a side career moonlighting as a amputation God father and is and has been the Queen of Godlike prerogative ! How much power or strength is still left unavailable to your family ???

R- Let me be more candid, we own heaven ....in the next life !

S- good to know ! has St Peter had an up-grade ?

R- You may scoff but its all been financed by your wages !

S- And I thought I was giving to charity !

R- Painter, we are char..

S- No you are bloody not !

R- It's all in black and white, and in triplicate!

S- Who'is your accountant, Beelzebub ?!

R- Too unreliable, so we picked you !

S- But I'm not a crook !

R- We know that !

S- I can't even do the math they teach at the Sainbury's sweet section !

R- We know that !

S- Then why me ?

R- To punish you for your persistent jocularity !

S- That isn't a crime, is it ?

R- The answer is too cool for school !!

S- Switch to Dante Rossetti and I'm in !

R- You mean Aidan Turner?

S- Mr Chesthair de magnet of Cornwall !

R- No, I prefer Tariol from Lord of the Rings !

S- It doesn't ring any bell !

R- Save bell ringing for boxing !

S- So you're a gun man ?

R- Very popular choice !

S- I like to blend in.

R- You pull a double-barrel on the streets of London...and you'll learn how to blend in in one of my fathers.........chambers!

S- I said I didn't want to meet your family...ever !

R- I think you'd meet with the red carpet treatment if you did.

S- Always fancied treading the boards myself !

R- Plenty of bespoke wood surrounding you !

S- A solitary cabin in a forest?

R- If you wanted to escape the trappings of life he can arrange that too !

S- Has he branched out from the cement business then ?

R- He nails his craft

S- Would a man of such discernment, a fellow Artist be interested in my Paintings ?

R- His work is rewarding for him too

S- Tell him from me, I'm interested to know his secret !

R- If he told you he'd have to kill you !!

S- His way or the high way ?

R- His 'trade secrets' and his 'client list' is alarmingly impressive !

S- I could see him at his office and he could show me how his craft works ?

R- all over Russia !

S- Russia, the perfect sanctuary !

R- One could live and die in Russia

S- Now his work place...isn't he's working in Syria at the moment.?.

R- Every one else is ! And don't make word play at the expense of my father's work place !

S- Sir..ree..are... ner !

R- Why do you do that? I strictly ...

S-...........................................Sir...ree....are ....ner...de Bergerac ?

R- see how far your jokes work in Syria Painter ! The personal touch !

R- Just have a look into it all is all I ask ?

S- Prometheus ll, won't do Randall ! I'll go to Syria if you go to The Yemen, and then swapsees ?

R- I have a bad back...

S- Like Reg?

R- Exactly ! But too obvious to be not lame ! Right?

S- How can we travel?

R- You were only supposed to blow off the bloody doors !

S- Mini magic? Perhaps a sedan or a Toyota, but let's stick a GB sticker on the back so we can really blend in !

R- And I thought teenage tantrums were just for teenagers !?

S- Speak for you elf !

R- But I have a welf of experience?

S- Do my ears seem open at all to you ?

R- No more than normal

S- Do my ears seem open ....

R-.....................................lay it on thick won't you !

R- Shit ! There's Papa Onvocivich !! Take cover !

R- NICOLAI !

S- It's the pale Orc himself !

S- So that was the Nick?

R- Stop smirking !

S- His back is turned to me and I've only got my back !

R- Let's agree to agree on everything when Pap is within a square mile OK?

S- Vulcan hearing ?

R- No ! But somehow he smells grovelling

S- I wasn't grovelling

R- That's what I mean you berk !

S- I feel a spinal tap tipping point ! No flies on m.....

R-..............................................................Why is there no flies on you? Should there be ?

S- Malaria is....... on me ?..

R- Malaria is a SOB but it's our SOB !

S- Now we are back in civil war El Salvador in the 80's !??

R- That's your 'American Conspiracy'? The big Idea? Clear your decks every one ! Stephen's going to move mountains !

S- Have I disappointed you in some way !??

R- Disappointment is when I die before my time, but this is so monumental that I can't contain my bewilderment ! I set you up with Nicolai and what do you do in return ?

S- Is that rhetorical ?

R- Not even fucking close !

S- I often find that bitesizing your disappointment makes things easier ?

R-.................'Are yu avin a laff?

S- Ricky Gervais probably shares my incredulity...

R- You're giving me a quack semantic proszac ? You're offering me ...the Liberal democrats ?

S- You can take your medicine free on the NHS

R- There is no 'quack semantic prosac tablet !

S- Fewer lawyers ?

R- Not back on track but you're winning me over !

S- Do you want to take the red pill or the blue pill ?There is no Insurance for what happens next !

R- What's the point with you ?

S- 'Point' taken, and pill taken .

R- Your Brexit is just a tightening of your NHS ....b..e...l..t.......s

S- Much obliged ! what's the point?Red or Blue will still screw with your head !

S- Which was which ? Let's find out !

S- Now we're rolling !

S- Oh God Dimitri, she's taken both !

D-She rolling down steep uphill Has

S- What do we do ?

D- We har abou to find hout !

S- Interesting and ugly !

D- Very, very !

S- Look my Russian friend if it comes to it, we never let her out of our sight but she broke her tooth and went mad by cyanide !

D- I am Greek not Russki!

S- does Randall's father know about that?

D- If I be fick so does he

S- Oh yeah? This the time to blackmail you you loser !

D- Alright you fucking dickhead ! Don't blow my cover !

S- What the fuck !!

D- And now I know, ...I ..can blow your ...cover too !

S- But I don't have a cover !

D- I work for a private company investigating 5 stolen Yorkshire Terriers

S- There's more to it

D- I'm also undercover for a firm investigating the original firm investigating the 5 Yorkshire Terriers !

S- There's more !

D- I'm also investigating the invest..

S-...........................................igating the investigation of the investigation bygoing even more under cover !

D- Plus i'm under cover...

S-.............................No.no, no,no, no ! How many undercovers are you undercovering ?

D- I'm a quadruple agent !

S- So, one day you could be ordered to assassinate one of your covers by another one of your covers?

D- ........................Whilst being undercover about it !

S- And people think the NHS is priceless !

S- How many opposition agents have you murdered ?

R- Well, I had to destroy one of my previous covers...

S- Leaving you just a quadruple agent ?!

R- ...............Then it got complicated ?

S- Talk to me Randall ! All is forgiven !

D- You already are !

- Licenses to print money ? GP's !

S- I like my Doctors !

R- But they work hard and get limited incomes ? Where's the profit in that ?

S- In our souls...

R- Do you want me to vomit all over the GP's Surgery's floor ?

S- Okay, you're fine ! The self-seeking hedonistic permissive not even in her thirties wretch who knows people and things !

R- Thank you for that glittering endorsement of my pet project....well at least 'he doesn't hate me' campaign is well and truly underway !

S- ..................What did you do Randall ?

R- Nokay for Dimitri ! Eventually he'll get his body back when I'm ready to hand-over his bigoted self !

S- Yeah but you say that about every body ! Besides is Dimitri your 'hubburbia' now ?

S- So what's going on ? Don't tell me..

R-.....................................................then I won't !

S- I haven't finished yet !...

R- Now where were you?

S- Are you undercover?

R- No shit ! You think ? i just have not got my make-up on?

S- You could go on...

R-....................yes I could, and I can so I shall so I shan't and I won't !

S-...........................................How are you coping with Dimitri's testicles ?

R- Balls to you too ! No really? Dimitri may have his testicles but I have his hands on them !

S- This is the part when you realise that Sigmund is having a nightmare !

R- No way nokay !

S- Still having a ball?

R- Dimitri is my host body and I chose him because he is heterosexual ! I prefer hetero men as hosts..because this is the first time a woman is..really doing more than 'getting her kit off !'

S- .................................................alright I get it ! But you are a Lesbian inside a man who you prefer to be hetero...tell me what is right about this picture?

R-..............................................How unusual !? Normally men say what is wrong with this picture?!

Okay Mr Nokay about this! I'm having the time of my life ! His girl friend is nuts and great at the same time ! I've ruined Dimitri's girl friend for him! I just hope he appreciates it !

S- And I just hope she ruined you for women too !

R- What's that ?

S- I was talking about Randall the ruination of women. It's almost like a feminist like you has done something unfeminist !

R- Men ! But tarry a little, men really aren't all the same are they ?

S- Eureka moment !

R- I've transformed women's expectations !

S- Yeah, ...about that... keep the bragging to yourself ! Nobody likes to ...

S-...So,is this the future ? People using hosts? Gender hopping ,gender jumping ? Do people have to know to be able to.... consent?

R- Freeloader City !

S- I'm still dealing with the Valerian reference !

S- Making gay people switch their genders to fit into a society that does not approve of homosexuality? Are you sure about this as a progressive thing ?

R- You are so yesterday ! We live in a post-trans sexuality already ! Gay people would be able to broaden their outlook, and more men would know what it is like to be a woman !

S-..and...I know you want to say more..

R- Gay women would have to and would have not to at the same time !

S- You bring Hemmingway into this ?

R- Straight gives you access like never before!

S- And what would your dystopian gender switch make of 'Handmaiden's...

R-......................................................................................stop right there Mr !

S-..................................................................................women undone by blackmail and litigation? That's what would happen !

R- It's a pleasure to see your ape-like mind do business ! Social class, race and ethnicity bigotry could be all issues of the past !

S- And straight men and women ? Crop rotation for them ? What happens if men who have had their bodies made into hosts by needing the money, are they accessories to a woman using their host as cover for heinous crimes against ..other women ? What happens when gender extinction rebellion kicks off against you ? Aren't you leaving some women no choice but to litigate against women ?

R- What separates women from the animals ?

S-Men being the animals...so.. I'm going to go for.....rules !

R- No! Litigation ! Think of the potential !No one is allowed to do gender hopping on continental grounds !

S- And for the billions who can't afford Continental grounds ?

R- I see..gender lawyers.. can't defend without them can't prosecute with them !

S- Vegans who moonlight, well actually don't necessarily do light..

R-.............................................................................................who moonlight as Vampires !

S- Isn't life difficult enough ? This is legal spag boll !

R- Twist or shout !

S- Castration will be back in fashion !

R- All's good ! But what if men experienced first hand female genital mutilation ?

S- ......................or if you're castrated when you are in a male host's body Randall ?

R- Asset stripper the ripper ?

R- Okay! point made. But we get to keep the male castration complex but sadly, ditch penis envy !

S- I'm good with that !

R- Feminism on the reality TV of your own home !

S- Women running with the balls !...I know women..

R-.....................................................................have his and her hands on them !

S- Women living rent free up in men's noddles !

R- Happy campers ! Butlin's will do serious business !

S- Pay for your sanity without having to pitch in to experiment on guinea pigs !

R- ................men do do guinea pigs well though

R- Gender riots ! Now we are talking !

S- Women wear men ! Who are men but mere tailoring for women's liberation !?

R-...........................................................................whilst preserving the illusion of discrimination against women ! Keep the dream alive ! I'm on fire today !

S- People will need your reassurance

R- The greatest show on earth is not climate change, nor Big Brother, or the old favorites of Class, race and those who don't support Manchester United, but Gender does Harriet Houdini !

S- When didn't self-subversion not do great business, when people are bored ?

R- Half the country are already doing it ! "Board Roam break down the glass ceilings !" the headline of the decade ! No need to send for back-up !

S- Role plays roll on, rollover and rolls out of time !

R- Imagine if I can get a woman pregnant ! ? Rock and bloody roll !

S- Make your day punkette ? Have you thought this through Randall ?

R- Keep your theories to your self ! Nob head ! Ah ha ! No, that would be me !

S- Thank God we already have women priest's !

R- What did I tell you? Shut-up !

S- Yes Ma'am !

R- Keep your mind clear Painter, and let me do the thinking for the both of us !

S- Copy that !

R- I suspect that you already know that I've been using you as a host ?

S- Words fail me !

R- That's not been my auto biographical experience Painter

S- Good to know !

R- But it wasn't all 'my pleasure'.

S- ..............................sorry to hear that !

R- I'm not ! But I do so admire your mind's 'can of worms !'

S- Glad to be of some use !

R- Let's not go overboard Painter !

S- Yes Ma'am !




© 2019 Stephen Hornsby-Smith

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