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Guide to 50's, social national conscription for 50's and retaking ones vows.

Stephen Hornsby-Smith

Advice and psychological prescriptions free at the point of when you don't need them - welcome to being 50 something.

You don't have to play walk football. Enjoy the fact that you've probably served your time feeling like an ant, now it's time to enjoy the 20's having to do 30 years of the drudgery of life to catch up with you. You have now kudos above someone else having to be an apprentice.

Welcome the generation after you that has to do their turn in having their thunder stolen' by some meteoric flash git, who has seen it all before.

Ask yourself: is now the time to have a tattoo? Where do I ditch the bicycle shorts? When do I get to take the piss out of a fellow silver surfer skate boarding? When can I ditch the dependents? Would they do us all a favour and be stuck to their own conformities?

Don't have a mid-Atlantic or 'Neighbour's accent.

Keep to the fluoresence and everybody feels awkward - we're all in this together but it is great to see someone else's discomfort not just your own.

Don't steel someone in your families girlfriend.

Learn to hate the bloodsucker's of the left the right the centre, but delight in teenage idealism, 6th form emasculation and university uselessness.

Decide whether you want to be a laconic or verbal in your face New Yorker.

Enjoy those who emigrate because they can't abide Britain - their children will never forgive them.

Sell your car, grow a goatie, give up the internet at home and log in only at the library for dramatic affect.

Put your game face on. No longer do you have to talk about things people don't want to hear, get your angry face working - you get to be condescended to, patronised and subjected to uni parlais from the generation who were traumatised by Sclub 7.

Don't do heroin.

When you travel remember you are neither Gulliver of Alice through the looking glass.

Don't forget you are now a social vandal camouflaged by age, but don't think that you're a post anarchist or pre-anarchist let alone an anarchist.

Pick on someone who is smaller than you.

Mix as many metaphors as you possibly can and claim to have read and adopted the creativity of James Joyce and have been syntaxed to do so.

Never say you're a feminist or a post feminist - just be vague.

Get used to pint's of milk shake

Remember how synthetic you are, and that the fast lane is the lane where a metaphorical autobahn exists - you can drive as fast as you like but every one drives in the middle lane with Maserati's that are so precious that the owner dare not to put it through its paces.

Never wear make-up and don't hitch-hike.

Conclusion - Don't press hyper space at your age , let the young and stupid do that.

Make sure you pick your politics to match how much hair you still have left on your head, and it's a great opportunity to bask in the baking sun of those you pity but still want to see what they do or what mistake they make.

Believe in voyeurism : you are the master of your own prostate and the captain of your moles that aren't cancerous.

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