Westminster Dialogue

S- Of course, what was I thinking? Why here? Why not?

R- Last week I was an MP, but today?

S- You are doing community service in the House of Lords?

R- Hang on, I'll just intervene " I have.

S- ..................................................... why were you an MP last week?

R- Well, Gordon was running the Whitehouse, and was rather enjoying a change of scenery!!

S- Gordon? Gordon whom?

R- His royal highness Gordon Brown

S- I never knew he was part of the Royal family!?

R- Why do you think he lost the 2010 general election? It would have been unconstitutional for the King to be PM too!!

S- What happened to King Charles the 3rd?

R- He's running NATO and he's making Europe great again!

S- What? MEGA?

R- Be quiet! "I have gravely misunderstood the house when I caricatured our esteemed colleague, but I fear the threat of censorship, political molestation and outright brazen redaction in situ is still happening in this place today!! Never has this House been so constrained when a venerable friend issues with such astounding irreverence in such unmeasured ill-natured bile imposed upon this place such as "F...off you shit of a bastard C you next Tuesday"! Thank goodness for the watershed of the under 5s, but the same could not be said of the older than 4s!! Whilst pithy though it may be, or even educative for some, I believe that even the open forum that this house recommends may well have been broken!!

- HEAR! HEAR!

S- What did he do?

R- He asked for some more spaghetti with his Bolognese...in the Westminster restaurant, and they brought out a huge bowl, and tipped accidentally all over his only suit?

S- In the restaurant? Not in the house?

R- There are standards Painter!!

S- So what was your 'intervention' in the Commons last week?

R-Can't remember.

S- You were drunk?

R- Commons protocol!

S- You have to be pissed just for PM question Time?

R- Standards have to be maintained, Painter!

S- Didn’t you say... it was reported wasn't it? " The NHS was our biggest export, and... what was it? I know, it was the private sector that was our best imports!

R- Did I really say that?

S- Before you threw-up on the deputy’s guide dog!!

R- Did I really!!

S- You should have got a promotion for that!

R- I did!

S- The best promotions involve absolutely bad manners in the Commons......

R- But never in the Lords!

R- Time to leave.

S- Where to? The Westminster Parliamentary bar?

R- How about 'being called to the bar!!'

S- But you've never trained to be a barrister, QC, or judge, although you do look quite fetching in the mufti wig!

R- It'll be a blast!

S- How many people have you given excessive sentencing?

R- As I said, they all deserved it!

S- What?

R- 3 life sentences for burglary!

S- How could you be so outrageously venal?

R- I guaranteed them an appeal! What more could I have done?

S- Stop right there!

R- I was running the met that month ...

S- .........................................so...?

R- I lost at cards in the morning!

S- That is no excuse!

R- Exactly

S- Not them, but you!

R- just fucking with you Hornsby .... but I actually... did give them all 3 lifetimes in prison..., and I apologize!

S- Surely to them?

R- Well, no, but you have to maintain standards Painter! Just pass the port and you'll fit in! Just nod 'wisely', but watch-out for Alfred the fingers!

S- This drunk next to me?

R- Well, he likes you!

S- Lets make a break for it!

R- ..............got a matinee obligation.

S- treading the boards again?

R- I'm in a multi-play.

S- Still switching and stretching then?

R- We’re using montage to surreal people out , but even most of the actors and acters don't know what script and what episode a lead acter will make!

S- Is it your turn today /

R- It's a Jackson Pollock one day, or a lean to Fassbinder or something?

S-How's your luck? Not easy to follow when some bastard switches to Shakespear or Chaucer etc?

R-Normally we give our sponsor a rough or lenient time, they don't know what we'll come up with! They like to risk and they always attend some other big player's lynching!

S- Who’s your sponsor this week?

R- ICI, but China is not happy, so they'll be booked-in next month to be eulogized or torpedoed.... We did take a multifaceted '"more than 2 systems" hack at them a month ago!

S- How do you work to that change?

R- The 2 systems of Antony and Cleopatra versus the rest, but we have looked into 'A streetcar named desire' and Carry-on Camping', with a bit of TS Eliot thrown in

S- Is that it?

R- It will evolve.

S- and distort!

S- Who runs the script?

R- Scripts! Well, it's that cow Brigitte! She'll cause us no end of improvisation to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet!

S- But age cannot wither, nor customs stale her infinite variety, I'm sure!

R- We keep on our toes, but we also sledge NIKE today.

S- Smug bastard’s not fit for smuggery!

R- nothing came of us but the leaving of it!

NIKE is the question! Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the arrows of outrageous fortune, or take up arms against a sea of ...

S- troubles and by opposing.

R- End them??!!

S- Maria, I just met a girl called Maria.

R- Officer Facebook, you've done it again.

S- Dare I eat the peach!?

R- Knowing me, knowing you aha, there is nothing we can do....

S- You are not Lord Hamlet and nor wish to be’.

R-- Je ne regrette Ryan Airways

S- Frankly my dear I don't give a diamonds are forever

R-! Got a dream boy got a star, Paint your wagon come along

S- ENOUGH RANDALL! I GIVE UP!

R- Soft southerners!

S- How do you keep these hours! When do you finish?

R- At half 2 in the morning. Then I've got to do some cleaning and hoovering as my second job in the City!

S- Why? Mummy being vindictive?

R- No! It's where all the spies congregate.

S- Crow or caw? and are our state secrets safe?

R- Of course not! That is the point of espionage! We sell out our friends and make good with our enemies!

S- And that's a deterrent?

R- Or course! and the cover story is that we 'clean the top storey '!

S- Brilliant, and then do you collapse?

R- I'll sleep on the plane.

S- To where?

R- Well, I'll be woken up by drones attacking Kiev.

S- busy day?

R- It's my daily commute!

S- Perhaps somewhere else for the weekend? Venezuela?

R- Trying to lay low after I beat Vlad the Putin at chess.

S- And you think flying to see and encourage Ukraine will do that do you?

R- Last time I won against Putin, he invaded Ukraine, so somewhere someone’s going to kop it!

S- Any specifics?

R- Pacifics, Atlantic’s... I'm told it's a surprise,...... by the GRU

S- Cleaners and hooverers?

R- Churchill was handed a poisoned chalice by Hllifax and Chamberlain, to lose the war...instead he won!

S- I'm sure they never forgave him!

R- There was apparently a book being run, in the Cabinet, and Labour lost a lot of money because they thought that Stalin would get behind Hitler and betray the Left!

S- Did they feel betrayed by an unsuccessful betrayal?

R- Mad, actually livid! And hence they created the NHS because they expected consequences from John Wick!

S- He's a fictional character, right?

R- The John Wick series is actually based on true events!

S- Do we owe Ukraine for you winning at Chess against Putin?

R- Well, Russia is trying to buy St Petersburg back from the Ukrainians.

S- Sounds expensive! and are you sure St Petersburg isn't Russian already?

R- No, it's actually Moroccan! But they lost it to Ukraine over a game of cards.

S- low stakes then!

R- But Putin's weakness is about chess,... he always underestimates his opponent --himself!

S- How can you beat yourself in chess?

R- You cheat!

S- He couldn't spot it himself?

R- he wants to win so badly that he defeats himself!

S- Is he a sore loser?

R- Ask the Ukraine!

S- And the Moroccans?

R- They settled for rights over all those who have blue-green and hazel eyes..

S- But not brown eyes?

R- Morocco is a liberated culture, what can I say?