Bussed

Context: a bus erratically slithers through the traffic, early one morning in May. An elderly lady with a stick to guide and support her has a short conversation with a male middle-aged driver.

-Are you alright just here?

-Just stop at the next lamppost.

- Ok? Is this ok? I said is this ok? Hello? Is this..

-................................................................ That's fine driver. Thank you.

But as she descended down the steps in a fragile manner, something caught her eye.

- Isn't that those all-female taxis? For women by women and from women?

-Yeah, he said in an offhanded way. 'Women drivers' I think they are called.

-And look, there's that funeral cortege but an undertaker for women and girls only?

- 'Hoover fowl' you mean?

-Not quite, 'Uber Frau' You should have gone to Specsavers! Only eligible for females

-the driver scowls and says to himself ' You'll be next you old crow

and then he tries to disguise his thoughts asking'

-What does uber frau mean do you think? In this case 'great women remembered with respect.

- And no doubt their husbands and sons can't be eligible?

-Only females can be allowed to be mourned by only females by only an all-female undertaker!

-Feminism in death if not necessarily in life! But all the men can be ditched, right?

_ A reckless driver by size 15 and by his driving too. I'll get off here. Now driver!

The bus deliberately stops with a bump!

-Actually, I've just got bad eyesight' he retorts

They glower at each other and after a pause she adds.

-So why are you still dri..

-....................................I've always liked the dodgems myself!

-And no doubt ER and the traffic police are thrilled with the extra workload

The driver sarcastically says and then in mid-sentence changes his tone to be more amenable

- Well at least I'm not deliberately driving into people, well not anymore...just cars and the odd elderly lady pedestrian who may....

-...............................................have to jump off whilst the bus is still moving

-Oh, by the way I have a nervous twitch in my shoulder which makes for an exciting but unpredictable ride!

- So that's why you are a blind jerk she mutters to herself

- Bloody women riders! he yells as the bus jolts into action, watch out for the puddles he scoffs -Bloody meat grinders, she waves her stick

An overtaking car beeps loudly, and he reverses back to where the lady who refuses to move an inch after the driver deliberately drives as close to her as possible.

-Talking of meat grinders, my father was a butcher

-And your driving skills are equally as brutal as you butcher the road too!

-I can't hear you

-You're not losing your hearing too?

-Sorry?

-I'm all ears! she shouts above the din of the traffic as cars and drivers yell and shout as the bus seems to hog the road

-I said i didn't catch what you said?

-'Smiles and waves ' she says quietly, but just loud enough so he could just recognise, and she adds I wouldn't catch your bus if it was the last bus going my way at 4 in the morning!

They both laugh, eventually.

-Don't slip up now he says

-Only if you trip me up

-You're too smart for me lady

and the driver is handed a purse from one of the other passengers, so he shouts after her.

-You can tip me if you like?

-Or you can pay me extra for riding in your recklessly dangerous skill set?

the bus breaks into the slow-moving traffic, and she sees him waving his arms at other cars trying to not let him back into the traffic.

-Oh dear, his sort never change! So disappointing, and yet every week we have the exact same byplay!! And he still never recognizes me and seems to have no recall.! Perhaps if I’d been more motherly to him when he was a child? Did he know that old purse trick happens every week too? Did he suspect anything? That old loyalty test still shows he knows nothing except the memories we gave him after his er.... control?

-His capture you mean What did you think? What’s his weak point? Like his mother he's homosexual!

-They've both been turned Sir

-He needs monitoring just in case.

-But what we did, to him, I mean what we put him through? we just shouldn't have done that to him, I mean, how...

-............................But we have we did and now we move on

-His face though??? Did we have to give him that new face? was it just...

-Don't pull on that thread, and his shoulder twitch? just psycho-sematic?

-His old trade craft subconscious drawing on the remnants of his tradecraft?

- His father is a 'butcher', well literally in the field.

-No suspicions then?

-Well...

Assessment Lydia?

-Well, we need to cut him some slack, or we need to eliminate the problem.

-ELIMINATE THE PROBLEM? Let me remind you that he recruited you, trained you and handled you! You owe him!

-I haven't forgotten him, how could you be so cruel? But there were 2 opponents on the lower deck, but I think they were tracking me not him. - But his driving is still crazy yeah?

They all laugh once control starts laughing.

- Absolutely bananas!

-That is the technical term for it! You should have seen him in Lebanon!?

-''DODGEMS' indeed!!?

-Don't forget to tell Annie to lay some flowers on his grave, it’s coming up for 12 years now.

- She does so every Friday like human software!

-Why can't we just tell her?

-Because it was one of his last wishes

- Don't think she's in the right head space to think the obvious...reverse psychology isn't her thing

-He still has that brutal savagery

-You didn't know him!

-You knew him too well!

-Hey, do you two need to get a room? If not focus! 'Recklessly clumsy' is what you say every week?

-Just another trigger word to see if he's bringing himself back from the dead

-No! There's something else! Wasn't there? Annie doesn't know about you, does she?

-'I'm her half-sister', that's all she needs to know!

-So are you enjoying grand motherhood?

-He's not interested except that he's running a book on it!

-What are my odds?

-Well, if Annie doesn't let her grief break her, ...

-Which is fifty-fifty

- You've got 2 to 1 on eliminating him and Annie!

-Why do I have to do it?

-You know Lydia!

-Yes, I know!

- And have you got all that you need?

-I am prepared as much as anyone

-a bus crash that kills too many civilians for anyone to suspect it's an operation.

-............................................................................................................you're right, just dangerously over sharing! Do you understand?

-yes Sir!

-Who will you use?

-Our sideline in ‘Women drivers'

...-our sideline in 'women drivers will arrange it and Uber Frau will clear it up, or actually make a mess of it!

-killing a half-dead bloke by being 'undercover- women -only' undertakers to undertake when no one will suspect it!!? Their business model was unique, and we've used them before! They’re very efficient.

-Cutting out the middleman' by cutting into the middleman' is their brand. We liked their set-up!

-Feminism and cleaners?

-They'll keep stum because they know, as do we, where all their bodies are buried!

-They normally get rid of women, dead or alive, but they do special rates to kill men!

-Mates rates?

-'Our hoover fowl and 'women riders'... of course we take a cut, and we give them both license and a new revenue stream!

-He'd turn in his grave, (if he had one,) that terrible word play by numbers would lead him on a literary killing spree let alone challenge his legendary non placid nature!!

-No! That's not just him, you made yourself a snob Lydia.

-Well, I'm his mother! That's my job because it's a rule...even if it appears to be wrong!

She doesn't know does she? What a head spin (in a American accent

(In Russian) She's not just his mother, she’s the mother of his daughter!! You are animals MI6!

MI6 -Those in glass houses Yevgeny?

GRU- Cliche's are important to MI6? Let me remind you of one of your overused Russian phrases, ‘With lies you can always move forward, but you can never go back!' And so, you have become a black mirror MI6!!

MI6 -And yet you keep wanting to learn from us and want your children to go to our best schools and Universities?

GRU - No! We want to unlearn from you!

CIA- Hey guys we're here because we 're all friends, right? Be nice!

MI6- I'll play nice but at least our poets don't need a war to write a poem!

GRU- No! They need to die before you deign to read what they've written!

MI6- we enjoy the freedom to learn and study and grow, you grow in the wrong areas!

What's your take on your hand up and fist down?

GRU- Perhaps you should not hand out lectures when you can give someone a hand up??!!

Mi6- I won't bite Yevgeny! You and your fixation on our immigration policies!!?? You'd have thought your version is more emigration by annexation!!

GRU-We agree to disagree Jonty! As you can see, we didn't learn the art of diplomacy from the British!

MI6- Tell that to the people of Ukraine!

CIA-BRAVO! How I marvel at the Europeans who are never able to close their mouths or their borders!! Man, I love you guys, seriously, I could either have both of you killed right now or sit and admire how hard you make it to get along!

CIA-So gents? Do we trust Lydia, the Cold War relic? Does she know we've played her all along? So when and how long has she known?

-MI6-Seven years

GRU- She's be turned so many times that we think she's rudderless 1

MI6- She's Ukrainian not Russian Yevgeny, she'd unturnable.

CIA- Does she still only care for her daughter, and that's her weak point?

Mi6- You control her via her daughter, and you'll have eternal loyalty.

-GRU- He means ...

MI6- Yeah? What do I mean Yevgeny?

CIA- We put two flat factors on the bus not the GRU.

MI6-Good to know, if only it were true??

CIA- Okay, I'm going to level with you. We don't know who those guys were. Any ideas guys? This is the time to hand in your homework.

MI6-Wasn't us.

GRU- Nor us

Canadian Military intelligence- The scary version? The driver!

CIA- Who is this?

MI6- On secondment from the Canadians

CIA-And what if the Mounties are right?

MI6- no one can hide all this and more.

GRU- he's right!

CIA- We dangle him until we flush out who ever he is working with.

MI6 Or not?

GRU- Let's not overthink this, let's clear this up.

CIA- Or will we set off a whole piece of shit that'll take us beyond where we want to go?

MI6- We need to keep this just amongst our teams, Okay?

CIA- We're fine with discipline, are you?

MI6-It was bloody the GRU that caused this nightmare in the first place

GRU- It was your man.

MI6-It was in your bloody country under your rules! Own it Yevgeny!

CIA- Own it, spend it, love it or piss on it! It doesn't matter! We still control who he has access to, right?

GRU- Let the Canadians finish it?

MI6- is that your way of getting MI6 to do your dirty work Yevgeny?

CIA-- listen... fuck it, I'll kill him myself if I have to!

GRU- I have news. It seems MI5 have reported a traffic crash killing 29, including the driver and .... let’s look at any of ...the ...names a Lydia Fultine and her half-sister!

CIA- Well, this isn't the worst outcome, this could work!!

GRU- Did you know about MI5 here?

MI6-When has 5 ever told 6 anything?

CIA- it's true! Those guys are the real Cold War enemies, and today we together have once again solved the world together.

GRU- I always preferred MI5 to MI6

CIA- I agree, those guys are just the best!