top of page

Not spilling the beans!

Stephen Hornsby-Smith
Stephen Hornsby-Smith

M- Stop all your fussing ! Don't call the midwife when you can hang-up !

R- And this is what she does to alcohol !!

M- Suck on the cheese,ham and sauce sucker !!

R- Where the hell is Dimitri ?

(M vomits )

M- That's worth seeing again !

R- Don't press it mother, let it flow the way you always know !

M- Listen to ms sedated by a Painter !

R- here she your jig mother !

(M vomits)

S- Absolutely smokes it ! I've never seen a pint of vodka do that before ?

R- Safety is now an issue !

S- Why ?

R- Because she's enjoying it !

M- This becomes an issue to catch admiration ! No, not you red head !

S- I'll just carry your shoes then shall I?

M- Devotees have responsibilities !

R- "buddy" mother !

M- Okay sister scribbler !

R- Don't trigger her 'karaoke' (Whispers)

M- Pees like a bee stung by my Mohammed Ali !

R- Old amber nectar gets yer doesn't it ma ?

R- She can drink gallons of vodka(she's been genetically modified) but gets pissed on one pint of Fosters !

S- So that's why Oz can't drink Foz !

R- (Keep the genetically modified Australians to yourself)

J- Is someone whispering?

S- Hey ! That's my wallet !

J- Are you ......spilling the beans ?

S- Don't spew on my wallet Lady !

M- How's your luck chuck ?

R- Mother ! Did you just throw on my bro ?

S- It's all right ! I never really liked that shirt anyway !

R- That is my mobile mother !

M-Crunch ! I like the smell of electric underfoot !

M- So, (vomits),that's gotta hurt but it's also gotta help !

S- Well you've got to wear a couple !

R- Over board you go mother!

M- Risk is never a verse !

S- .............................a flute of puke can only be good news !

(M vomits)

M- Bin it to win it !

R- Up for it becomes out with it ! And puke master becomes the sequel on Painter's sleeve Mother !

M- Good shot ! Even if I say so myself ! (M vomits)

R- Some consolation to put in your hand luggage on the way home Painter !

S- At least she's not dodging bullets !

M- No! You'll have to walk that one back !

R- Don't worry Stephen, I'm going to dine out on this for a decade !

M- I'm a quiz master in a red wheel barrow and this time its sp(ew)urious !

J- Does she do literature now ?

M- Land ahoy !

J- She did the quote thing last time !

R- Are you enjoying this Jinx ?

J- Spare me the mouth rottweiler !

M- You've got a fair way to travel for that little gem !

J- I've got all the air miles I'll ever need General.

M- You give me inspiration loud man prophet !

R- That would be you Painter !

M- .............................but you are just a co-star!

R-........................Spare the fromage, jamon and salsa Madre mia !

M- An attempt at Catalan ! Well that's a treat you can't beat ! Makes me feel quite queasy ! (M vomits)

R- Yes that would be my fault mother ! Just leaving a tip for your performance !

J- Still not a word (whispers)

R- Friedrick still has it !

M- Adventure of life's fast !

R-.............................. feeling the bullet yet mother ?

M- A ride to oblige ! Ker pow how do you like me now ?

S- And Robin !

M- where East meets West !

S- Adonis West !

M- Aren't you the "Lesbian feminist" of the family? No, that's my daughter!

R- Here I am mother, still in ear shot....talking of shots, this time no binge without the syringe to bring you back mother !

S- How old is your mother(in whispers)?

M- I'm 209, minus 300 !

R- And the rest mother ! (aside)keep her positive, no one needs the accelorator to depression, and she is impossible when that happens !

S- I thought that this was her impossible?

S- Besides, that makes you over 100 years old !

R- 120, I've got my second wind !

R- Mother I was your 5th wind ! And where the fuck have you been ?

D- The..y drink un..der table !

R- ...................................all 6 of you ?

D- We drink social an den we get smashed by yer mudder ! She insist !

D- She is yunger than her grand chiwden.

R- When did you get that out of her?

J- yes ! At last ! When did she squeak that secret ?

D- No ! Sergei ..............say!

J- I advise Sergei is a loose canon ! Get rid of him immediately ! And Dimitri, what did the general say ?

D- Last I remember, she dancing Karaoke ! No words, just screech !

Hey ! She get new wind !

S- Your younger than your grand children ?

R- Never hard of prequels ?

S- .........................genetic stuff ? Ask and you will find !

R-The truth is out there !

S- And so is the technology !

R- Her wodka led us into a completely different direction !

M- Be one with the AI and the AI will be one with you !

S- Isn't that karma stuff ?

M- Shut yor mowt !

J- Just a little 'careless talk costs lives'!

M- I am not Inglishh !

R- And the last 200 years mother?

S- She speaks broken English?

R- wait till you hear her broken Japanese, after 15 days of drinking?!

S- And 20? Japanese is her first language ! That's how Cliff Richard made his money originally!

S- Cliff speaks Japanese?

R- Cliff is Japanese

J- She's slowing down again ! Another decade to wait !

R- But not (M vomits)

S- Quite !

J- I'll be seeing you General !

M- Not if I vomit first !

M- Your mother has once again broken all records ! She is the 'don't spill the beans meister !

R- Your wasted here Justice Jinx !

S- No! That would be your mother Randall !

J- You've yet to face yours Smart mouth !

S- Christopher Columbus ! Who was that very scary man ?

R- That's J Jinx. best not to enrage him !

S- What was that all about? No telling secrets ?

R- My mother goes through a particular screening to make sure she's still capable and able not to secrete secrets to anybody !

S- That was her 'wodka'?

R- Genetically manipulated because mother found a way to defeat the lie-detector test !

S- Haven't most people ?

R- Not 3 centuries ago like my mother !

S- No shit ! So all that genetic crap was..holy crap!

R-.....................................................................and now you are .. part of all this .......whatever this ...actually ?

R- Should have let me share your website !

M- I am the the one!! No spill beans!

S- Actually you did ! Especially on your sixth attempt projected onto my shoes !

R- She's still asleep but she talks through it anyway.

M- Bill my daughter for laundry ! Or sell it on b-bay !

S- Does she mean..

R- No she doesn't ! It's a thing for people like ...'Us', now you're part of it !

S- I'll need to clear £50 to buy some new ones

R- Let us we go !

R- 5 grand ! Not bad

S- More grand would be nice

R- £500,000 is better

S-Imagine the extra cheese and onion packets of crisps I could get for that? More , I'm in my prime !

R- And back to £50 !

S- NO! Wait ! WHAT?

R- You bruise for money and you lose your honey !

M- Oh come on ! Don't just accept the slide Painter?!

S- B-bay is a crooked highway !

M- I'll give you 2 million to break all your teeth !

S- Dollars or pounds Sterling ?

R- Mother ! He's new !

M- How about biting his ears off ?

R- Wake up you old croney !!

S- Don't do that ! besides she was asleep already !

R- It does the reverse ! Now we have got her some solid sleep without the back chat ! YOU OLD BATTLE AXE !

S- Is this the part when you insult her ?

M- No it isn't !

R- Why did we let her see Star Trek?

S- Vulcan hearing ?


R- If you can't get her to switch-off you've got to get her to switch over !...She has this chip inside her head that shows her how to interact with CCTV all over the world whilst she's asleep

S- Very...convenient..a bit like Dr Stephen Strange ?

R- What are you..

S-.....outer body experience ?

R- ..........goodness no ! That's old tech ! She just watches ...everything when she sleeps through her weekends !

S- She sleeps all weekend ?

R- It's her way of relaxing whilst she manages 13 Presidents and 5 Prime Ministers , 17 Kings and Queens etc

S- Big brother and little brother ?

R- She does need this down time away from the office !

S- That's impressive !

R- Mother, tell Painter about your down time !

M- I can be physically drunk but also sober as hell at the same time with a bit of 'down time '! It's also great to watch various soap opera's, that are actually documentaries for me . I find it quite satisfying to let people walk into problems !

S- She's drunk, yet sober, she throws up and yet she's testing her ability not to 'talk....!

R- You're a multi-tasker like puppa Sanj aren't you mother?

M- I watch 440 satellites orbiting around one person if I like. How's my painterholic doing with his new responsibilities ?

S- Good ! (She scares me)

M- I read brain waves too ! Be Scared, I'm Halloween 24/7 !

R- Dimitri? Get the helicopter

S- Where's it going to land? Shouldn't we bring the car round? Your mother has been lying on this bench,stained with and there is a stench !

R- Really? Mother's hear physically but not cerebrally for the last half an hour ! How could you not get that ?

S- I'm trying to can mentally project her back to her office by some...trigger?

R- Dim is Dimitri, you're not supposed to blow off the bloody doors moron !

S- Where's a helipad ? The streets are too narrow! But can you just make stairs ..

R-..............That are virtual stairs....and the eagle has landed ! See you later mother !

M- Why did you choose 'Mr where's my imagination gone ?' again ?

S- Up and away ! And what do we do ?

R- Catch the bus !


bottom of page