R- Annulment is a dirty word around here ! No, it can't be? It's only Mr Benn's door ?!
S- Of course it is...not. What are we looking for in this cheap and cheerful charity shop ? Is a prospective 'friend looking to purchase'? Something 2nd hand to get rid of?
R- So I arrange divorces !
S- No , you are match-making to give birth to one of your hacks!
R- Beetle-juice needs to be extracted from a over-kind husband!
S- 'Over-kind' ? Respectful? Mild mannered? How are you going to organize anything in your Divorce sweat-shop fronting as a charity shop?
R- Even the sweat is authentic for a sweat-shop ! You can buy anti-perspirant and pro-perspirant too ! Great cover no?
S- Charity shops do not smell Ran !
R- Mine does ! Besides it is bespoke for those who do not need a chef, child-minder, great parent, and fun to be with who brushes up well !
S- 'How to arrange your perfect divorce' ! 'How to treat your loved ones at Xmas' ! A divorce isn't entirely my idea of Xmas.
D- Is that for you or for madam ?
R- It's for my dear friend.
D- 'They always are '
R- No ! Really?
D- Was your friend seeking an amicable, resentful, hostile, or, the de luxe 'traumatic divorce'?
D- Erring on the side of ? We offer marital discord services that are only covert ...to enable your friend ?
Marital breakdown or something more long term?...And are you the gentlemen concerned?
R- Oh goodness .........No!
S-...I'm not marital material...white collar... bachelor!
D- We are not here to judge, just to encourage...and if needs be..
S- Does Beetle-juice want a pre-nup or post-nup?
D- We offer the spiteful, hateful, cynical or manipulative....?
R- Is there a service of causing affliction to other couples ? I mean..whilst we are here?
D- Well, the flat rate was introduced last Winter, but we find that the 'autumnal look' of a spouse in a bar with another woman works very effectively !
R- Provoke and disrupt ?
D- Perhaps male paranoia would expedite the objective. Can I suggest a public row? Humiliating,liberating, loud and angry? How far would Beetle-juice need physical violence done to her or to him?
R- I heard you use fake make-up
D- Of course we do the full repertoire - broken nose, jaw, teeth missing to the more progressive..client
R- Cuts and bruises?
D- 5 inch stitches upwards
R- How authentic !
D- We get our best results from such interaction.
R- What about false evidence? I mean... it's got to look as though he's a bastard !
S-.............................................................. but he's not Randall !
R- I'm just helping things move along Painter !
D- We have court officials and sympathetic legal and police staff ready to expedite your birthday present to Beetle-juice when ever you're ready !
S- Do you not think that this is a bit mendacious, cynical and corrupt Randall?
D- I assure you we have all the official documentation and our last inspection last month gave us a 5 star rating!
R- What's top of the range?
D- You could choose a car accident or the more suburban orthodox blackmail...Would Beetle-juice cooperate fully?
R-Oh God she mustn't know!!
D- Will it spoil the surprise ?
R- It's her 30th !
D- How very generous !
R- I'm sure she'll hate it !
D- What are friends for?
R- We do the innocent victim policy too if your male friend would like to participate?
S- Not really me !
R- Live a little Painter!
S- I'm going to tell Beetle-juice !
D- Aha, the plot thickens ! You will but she won't believe you!
S- Hang-on let's be clear ! No dirty tricks upon me ! I've avoided marriage for so long to not be a party to break-up City ! (aside) Randall, this is moronic poison !
R- (aside) But my daughter recommended it !
S- Your daughter is a ....she has issues ...authority issues !
R- And I'm so proud of her !
S- She went to the Department of Nuclear affairs last week and now this?
D- We feel that at this stage you have to ...protect our good name...so ...no unsupervised visits to any nukes.....in Europe okay? There must be no paper trail ! Absolutely verbotten !
S- That means..
R-...................I speak German you berk!
D- I think your mother would be upset if her grand daughter was....er... eliminated !
R- She'll come after you too !
D- Your mother owns the place ! Your mother did say you would be ...volatile...
S- She owns the government too!
R- Shut it ! She's watching...Don't wave !
D- Our contract will be with you in the morning. Have a day..
S- Doesn't she mean 'Have a nice day'?
R- That old battle-axe is just warning us up!
P- Excuse me, I'm formally here to warn you that your 12 year old daughter 'borrowed a fire-arm from these premises- could we have it back please?
D- That'll be all Perdie ! I'm sure we can arrange for its swift return, don't you?
S- She even looks like the 1970s Perdie !
S- Is your daughter killing pet dogs and cats again?
R- It's not unusual for a gun to go off every so often..........she's just experimenting !
R- I can give you this little old thing instead?
D- Randall ! We all know that Jane -Claire ..likes the outdoors every so often, and
S-............................................................................................................she's killed a fucking horse hasn't she?
R- Not quite....5 horses and seven Aberdeen Angus cattle !
S- She's on one of her killing sprees
R- She's no threat to herself !
S- That's not the point !
R- She's helping the environment......see it as a glass-full Painter.
S-Real cows fart -up the spectrum of green house gases?
R- She's a visionary ! Come on, let's make first orders !
S- I've made last orders, but not first orders...
R- Or you've been in a lock-in for ...
S- 7 days !
R- That is it ! You are a party animal and not a tight-arse after all!
S- Sorry, did the dialogue slip here?
R- Not that I'm..
S-.................unaware of Draculass ?
R- How did you know her name ?
S- Ingenuity !
R- She gave Jon Wicks father a paralysing drug, had her Jon, and then ate her daughter...or so the story goes !
S- Did we steal her car?
R- No, we killed her puppy! Well, Stanislav did when parking.
S- Are we going to need your mother?
R- Hard to tell at this stage !
S- Will Stanislav need your mother?
R- Do you see Mr bodyguard 5 steps behind us?
S- To sweeten the deal we could offer Stanislav's sister to Mrs D' ?
R- Funerals ! I can understand that dying is a big deal, but apart from the wake.....there's no wake-up to get up for !
S- But God ain't cruel in my world Randall. I can't just hand over Stanislav's sister to protect us can I ?
R- Why do we spend eons trying to die of natural causes ?
S- I want Stan's sister to die of natural causes
R- I've often wondered what I'd say to God..
S-.............................................................Can i leave a tip?
R- Very clear rules to be understood by no mortal !
S- Yeah, what do you know, but can we concentrate on the puppy issue?
R- Mt mother did business with God once!
S- ....did she say a prayer? Because I think we both have to think and pray very, very hard right now !
R- Something about loaves and fishes...?
S-This is no time to misquote...
R- Water into vodka... A very profitable business !
S- Lovely, but can we just..
R- Aha, Ms D', I can explain ! Boy those lads look er.. strong ! The dog collar in your hand... where, WHERE is your puppy Ms D' ? Don't be too hard on old Stanislav! He was parking in the back of your up-market legal and post legal affairs er...office, yes, office, and er...one of your big looking angry types distracted him ! He was going to explain but for the tears he shed over ....'fisk'?
D- Frisk !
R- He is so sorry, and we are quite upset that he..
D- 'Frisk!' Come , here boy !
R- Wrong dog !
D- Oh by the way.... J.C will need more bullets..well here they are..
S- That's a big box of big toys..
D- Yes Mr Hornsby-Smith, something to recreate for J.C. I'll join her with Frisk tomorrow. And er.. here's my card Painter.............in case you find yourself on the wrong side of Randall!
S- Much obliged !
R- Creep !
S- What the fuck did I do ?
R- Not you you berk ! Haven't those beef cake soldier boys seen a real woman before?
S- You're almost 20 years old only Ran !
R- Age cannot wither nor customs stale my infinite variety !
S- You're still a teenager !
R- Only in this blog right?
S- Now you're changing the sequence, up-turning the chronological order?
R- That would be me !
S- Next time I'm the young one !
R- Think you can fool me? 'Young ones'!! What ever happened to the 80's ?
S- Thank God you didn't !