SmithWestern

Updated: Feb 20


Stephen Hornsby-Smith

R- Smith?

S- Weston ?

R- There's a gun holding a man !

S- Yer doomed, doooomed !

R- Is that OK ? Nokay ! definitely nokay !

S- Nokey dokey !

R- You'se insul mi wid yer we lassie arct ! Uv tld yer bifor, buggr of tu Edinforkn bru !

S- Laardun ee pastarrrrrr und haych no....t aych ! Wear was yu finkin ! All de bluddy varrs in ! Git sum yer...le mi speoul it arrrrt fer yus ! a Fight is a 'for..i..e....i....t'! Ow und tewwl Jok lern ta plaaaaay foo....ball, lioiyk wi dun ! Orwite?

R- Bring back Mexico's day of the dead

S- Why?

R- Because English is fucked !

S- Der rigerrrrr

R...................mortis !

S- Deep and stuff

R- It's called deep and meaningfuls

S- DAM for short

R- From the bottom to the top of shelf life !

S- I knew you'd bring Brexit into this !

R-.....what..?

S- Brexit is not immigration policy for the USA nor a back door entrance into America !!

R- ...er..can we ..just.. you've forgotten haven't you?

R- You know you are not you without your snickers !

S- Semi-borders with France and America !!!? Exciting isn't it !?

R- The Yanks will have a wall put up sooner than later !

S- France is.....I thought that was the Maginot line ?

R- Let's hope the Yanks do a better job in France than the im .....aginot line did !!

S- If you don't shut your cake-hole they'll shut up the Channel tunnel ! So...no more Cliches please ?! Or, go fuckin plays bowls, or jump around in Licra shorts and flappy white shirts swilling warm beer and 'with an eye for the ladies' (who don't reciprocate) all to the Gallic accordion sounds .....of Morris men making-up their own make -up as they go along ! What are you staring at me for ?

R- This country was built on cliches, mainly Charles Dickensian cliches .......or was that the Liberal Democrats ?

S- Wasn't the accordion........originally from...France ?

R- Don't rattle like that !

S- What ? The sound of

R...................Not music !

S- I've got this one..............

R- Simple ?

S- Simple enough ! too simple for me ..I mean...I don't do random !

R- Simple ?....Simon....?

S- Simple Simon............rattling around ?!

R- Rattle ! do I have to get stern with you ? Simple Simon ...Rattle ?

S- Simon...? It's gone

R- SIMON RATTLE !!!

S- What through me was that he's been knighted ! It's Sir Simon rattle ! I was misled !

R- Don't jump ! Have a leap ?

S- Leap and J...ump..there is a..........clue here!?

R Faith! FAITH !!! I no longer need a leap of faith with you ! I need a new language !

S- Apparently you can open up parts of the brain left hitherto undiscovered if you learn a new language !

R- Smithee, my dear boy ! Your brain isn't a brain it is a muscle ! And you are not a sportee type are you !

S- What are you saying to me ?

R- And now we are sharing !

S- Share your flair but don't redistribute to anyone even if they are not ready because you will blow their mind ! Private Medicine isn't cheap in the UK !

R- I thought it was meant to be business class medicine ?

R- What is this? Not ready to redistribute your share? Your share values your 'Mr happy core' , I could go on but..

S-......................................................no! please do !

R-....................................... A Labour of love ? Or Love's Labour's lost?

S- Negotiate, don't settle !

R-...........................ever?

S- Keep it in the courts for decades.. and then go to VAR !

R- That sounds like a lorra piece of beautiful !?

S- Are you sure, as the leftie here that you don't want me to..interject?

R- Now beautiful is in pieces!

S- Beauty tear full !?

R- Let's go out and celebrate

S- Sure. Hang-on .....Why?

R- You're a poor (Well actually well heeled) cog flogged to death by hog it all !

S- Jam on those brakes ! Here's my stare !

R- Led ash stray ?

S- Four cigs at one time is me cutting back !

R- You are a paradigm changer...

S- What ?

R- You are so 'paradise stranger'

S- You're making fun of me !

R- You're doing it all on your own !

S- The English actually use rain when it poor's !

R- ...................................good thing it's raining then !

S- Here's a clue : He's an impressionist Painter

R- Rain and an Impressionist Painter ??? I've got to say I'm stumped by this one Smithie...

S- Don't jump, just peer over !

R- Panoramic the Greek philosopher once said 'Don't go to the UK because it rains !'

R- So what would a french Painter of the late 19th century do.....

R- Am, I getting closer ?

S- Luke warm !

R- I see young men with red/ginger beards...........

S- Still Luke warm

R- Having fun and Parisian Frolics

S- Still just Luke warm

R- I've got it !? Good old Renoir !

S- Luke warm !

R- Luke friggin warm? You only know one impressionist Painter Smithie !

S- You don't know that...when did I tell you that ?

R- but....it...is still...Renoir right?

S- Still Luke warm !

R- Bollocks ! You want to still hold-out? So sue me!

S-I know a man who could get rid of your knee caps if that would help?

R- How would that help you dozy bastard !

S- ........................................I was....just sharing...

R- Where's an alligator when you need one ? He too can't shut his gob !

S- Still sharing...

R- Well that's great ! Any traffic in your busy week? Ow, wait, the North pole was busy! The North pole was used for your 'breaking the ice ' by sharing conversation. We'll all die of climate change but you got to get your 'sharing conversation !!

S-..............still sharing...

R- A timeless classic of distorted conceptions on the theme of re-distribution of global extinction ! Well core blimey ! Melt my Ice caps ! ..and we can all die miserably together ! But let's move on!

S- Time is something you only move with.......and gravity......which bends...in time..

R-...................spare us ! time won't mind if you don't matter Smithie,but I have plans tonight ! That means say goodbye to crazy and his colonel Kurtz will have to wait !

S- We all die ...

R-.................sometimes I 'd like to make plans for you ?

S- Is there a pattern emerging here?

R- Patterns are the building blocks of the Universe...

S-......................................................................multiverse

R- Small beer !...the Universe...? Not the bloke " with the 2nd hand compass and 2 sticks to make fire at some stage"..Okay?.......... and now we have the ape-like derrr staring blankly at me !

S- A Cider if ever i heard one !

R- Is it safe ? To save a man trapped in someone else's brain ?

R- On the other extreme :"Now that's my boy ! Small beer right?"

S- "That's Evolution Baby!"

R- Look at you ! all your Americanism's in my back yard !?!

S- Back garden !

R- And now we meet the 'ironyman' without him having an inkling !?!

S- Baby?

R- Baby...? Why me Lord ???

S- Because I have more insurance!

R- You need health and safety to tackle your teenage sartorial taste first!

R.but ..it...is still Renoir right?

S- Still Luke warm !

R- Sue me !

S- I know a man who could get rid of your knee caps if that will help?

R- How would that fuckin help you dosey bastard !

S-...............I was.... just sharing..

R- Where's an alligator when you need one !? He too can't shut his gob !

S- ..sharing...

R- Well, that's great ! Any traffic in your busy week ?

S- Every one else's business !!!!

R- ......................a timeless classic, but let's move on !

S- Time is something you only move with ......and gravity... which bends in ...time.........

R- Time won't mind if you don't matter Smithie, but I have plans for tonight !

S- Is their a pattern emerging here ?

R- Patterns are the building blocks of the Universe..

S-..................................................................multiverse

R- Small beer...the ..Universe ?

S- A Cider if I ever heard of one !

R- There you go, now you're doing it !

S- Evolution baby !

R- Baby....? Why?

S- I have more insurance !

R- You need health and safety to tackle your teenage sartorial taste first !

S- Catch and release ?

R- Let's see how we go first !

S- Shall we do the 'Achilles heel' or the 'Trojan horse'?

R- We're only playing a computer game Smithie?!

S- Eyes on the prize Randall !

R- Why did you wake me? I was asleep ?!

S- Catholics will one day have Married women Priest's but we are still in the dark ages of..

R- ................level 2! We're on fuckin level 2 Smithie! ?

S- Never underestimate a Computer game quest !

R- I don't think I'll ever underestimate any computer game ..ever !

S- I feel the same way about you !

R- Creationist shit !

S- No! That's Manchester City !

R- I thought that was a sports computer game ?

S- No! That was Vatican II

R- I hope you're right or some rather large gentlemen will be here shortly from opic dea ! Did yer see my mistake there? 'Rattigan 2' not 'Vatican 2' ?

S- Vatican 2 was no mistake ! It became so much more than a training exercize for new Priest's !!!!

S- But...

R-...... And now the penny drops!

S- It was 'RATTIGAN 2'. Vatican 2 was or is no computer game !

R- Finally...for Catholics around the world the Vatican upgraded itself and made God's teachings more relevant and less doctrinal ! It was a special moment when the Holy Mass could be said in ones own language,. To hear the Priest for the first time without Latin and in English ,French German, Spanish Italian etc was a minor miracle !

S- But I'm led to believe that the CIA speak in Latin !

R- That's Gail speaking ! Not you ! That woman thinks MI6 is run by Buddhists

S- Well?

R- What ?

S- Less frowners means less downers..

R- Which means "less bounders", right?

S- Gail has a beautiful mind !

R- Be quiet around here ! This crowd will have you working as a 'teacher' if you're not careful ! Keep it to yourself ,trust me, I've been there...as has my brother, mother,elder brother, father...we have so suffered ! And for what ?

S-For elevation of beautiful minds...

R- SShhh ! Lock it up Painter !

S- Is this your conversion pitch ?

R- For friggin what ?

S- To Buddhism !?

R- What ? Oh, God no ! That's a Hail Mary roll of the dice if I ever heard one !

S- Buddhism !

R- Buddhism ? No, no.... hold your tongue or I will personally remove it ! .............. what's with the that cultural misappropriation !

S- Objection !

R- Sustained if only to keep you quiet !

S- Smithie is grateful !

R- What on earth are you doing with 3rd person?

S- Wait till Vatican 3 comes out !

R- 'Ratti..gan 3 you berk !

R- For your information : don't drop those snow drops again ?

S- Why not ?

R- Because they are 'not' snow drops !

S- Well that's not very good practice! To mislead your customers like that !

R- And we all know what happens after too many of them don't we ?

S- ...

R- That's what happens to you ! Your brain fries !

S- And to think I paid good money for these snow drops !

R- I have to sweep up the grey matter off the floor !

S- My hair is not grey it's beige !

R- I have a lump in my throat that you will permanently have on your brain as a replacement!

S- It's nice that you care so much for me Randall !

R- Ah, well I can't take credit for that, just self-interest !If I have to converse with 'Painter does moron' I will go bananas !!!!!

S- Quite !

R- And my boy is back ! look at you !

S- Why would I look at me ?

R-No he isn't ! False flags will be the end of me

S- False fl..

R-..............flags flutter in the wind of..helplessness !

S- Perk-up a bit Ran ?

R- Mister motivational speaker does...mindless !!

S- Less less and more more !

R- And that would be me, slowly dragging my feet into ....hell !!


© 2019 Stephen Hornsby-Smith

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